My dear sweet friends, Kristin and José, recently went on their annual vacation to Mexico with their two teenage daughters. They go to the same incredible resort every year and always come back with fun stories and the most beautiful pictures.
This year, one of those pictures stopped me in my tracks and made me a little weepy.
The photo was taken at sunset and showed the four of them spelling out the word “love” with their bodies, silhouetted by the sun behind them. I couldn’t stop staring at the photo. And the fact that I got weepy made me want to dig into it and figure out what the tears were all about. Was it just because it was a beautiful piece of art? Was it because it was a gorgeous family photo of some people that I dearly love?
So I sat with it and stared at it and let the feelings come.
I’m not gonna lie…there’s not a lot on the topic of love that I want to immerse myself in right now. If you recommend a book or movie to me right now that is in some way a love story, that’s a hard pass. (Well, except for the stunning book of poetry I’m reading right now, because gaaaahhhhh…) But sad love songs? No thank you. Or worse, happy love songs? Suck it. So I knew I was already avoiding the umbrella subject of love.
And all this while I’m taking a course about bouncing back after heartbreak and healing my relationship patterns. The irony is not lost on me.
So instead of avoiding the photo I was so moved by, I decided to keep staring at it until I felt all the feels and figured out why it was triggering me so much.
Yes, it is a beautiful photo and I have a deep appreciation for beautiful artwork. And yes, I adore this family and love to see them so happy on a vacation they look forward to every year because it brings them so much joy.
But my tears weren’t happy tears when I saw the photo.
Because when I dug underneath the love I have for this family and their beautiful picture, there was sadness.
Sadness that I don’t have photos like that of my family. Sadness that now I feel unsure of the memories that I have of our own family vacations…that I’m not sure if they are how I remember them or not. And a deep, deep sadness that I’m not sure I have experienced a love like theirs.
Oof.
Try saying that out loud after you were married for 25 years.
Don’t get me wrong…I loved my ex-husband. He is an amazing man with one of the biggest hearts I know. And I know without a doubt that we had a soul contract with each other and that we attracted each other into our lives to learn some pretty epic life lessons.
But when I look at that picture of Kristin and José and their girls…I’m not sure I had that.
I’m not looking at their family or their love through rose-colored glasses. I know them well enough to know that they are real and authentic and that they have the same ups and downs as everyone else. But all I see in that photo is love…and fun.
As I move into this next chapter of my life, Kristin and José’s photo represents what I want to create for my kids…and myself. More love and fun…and less taking things so frickin’ seriously all the time. There has been a lot in our little corner of the world that we needed to take seriously, but now it’s time to step it up in creating joyful moments and loving memories. It’s time to focus on having more F-U-N. Lord knows we all deserve it.
But what does that look like?
I want to say yes more. When my son starts bugging me for his birthday present early, and then his buddy starts campaigning for him on my Instagram page, I want to have fun with it instead of getting irritated. His friend was making me laugh out loud yesterday as he hijacked my post about our pretty new home just to help my son get what he wants.
I want my kids to have all the sleepovers, go to all the pumpkin patches, and go to football games and four-wheeling with their friends. I want to create these moments alongside my kiddos, but I also want them to feel the freedom and happiness of getting to experience those fun times with their favorite people, too. I want my daughter to carve pumpkins with her boyfriend and then bring her friends back home to hang out for a bit after curfew…even if I was hoping to get to bed a little earlier last night. I want my son to ask for a second night sleeping over at his buddies because he loves their family and his “Mom #2.”
I want to say yes when my little Bubba asks me if we can cook dinner together. He knows Mom doesn’t like to cook (his dad was the cook in our family, but I am now challenging that story I have told myself). And I know that it will be fun to do with a sweet boy — who insisted I get better knives for our new place when we moved in. Today is a cozy day…we can plan something to make together tonight in our new kitchen while we put on the football game or something else he loves to watch. (Instead of him groaning at me watching “Hamilton” for the millionth time.)
I loved going upstairs to say goodnight to them last night and my daughter and her friend and our dog were all cuddled together in my son’s bed, laughing and talking and eating. I got lots of hugs and focused on those instead of the food they had in their bedroom or allllllllll the dishes up there.
The sadness of the past starts to loosen its grip on my heart a little more every time we share a moment like that, no matter how brief that moment is.
What a wonderful gift that is — that we can create new memories full of love that can outweigh the ones that might feel heavy in my heart.
After sitting with Kristin and José’s picture for a bit, I felt peace in my heart again. And when I looked up from their photo, I saw our own family photo, hanging on the wall in our dining room. And knew we were already creating our own new world full of love and joyful moments.
And my heart smiled.
And maybe even opened up a little bit more to the idea of the potential for new love in the future.
Photo courtesy of Kristin Torres and taken by Passion Photo