A few days ago, on my personal Facebook page, I called out a publication I have loved for years for publishing an article with what I thought was an offensive and condescending title.
The ensuing drama of the past few days has been exhausting and overwhelming, to say the very least.
The reason I called this publication out is because I have been a part of their community for several years now and regardless of what the owner of the publication thinks, I care deeply about all the writers and editors I have met there. I have always loved that they were a mission-driven publication and strived to be of benefit to others.
But this time, they missed the mark.
I called them out for one reason and one reason only. To hold them accountable for what they teach their writers to do — and what not to do — if you want people to read your articles.
As an apprentice in their writing program several years ago, I was taught that if I want someone to click on my article and read it, I need to have the perfect combination of a compelling title and caption, and a relevant image that will draw the reader in. We were taught that these three factors are crucial for getting your article read when sharing it on social media.
The article that came through my newsfeed a few days ago was entitled something like, “Divorced Women Over 50: You Can Still Have an Awesome Life.”
And I think when I saw the post, I actually muttered out loud to an empty room, “Oh, for fuck’s sake. UGH.”
As a divorced woman over 50 myself, I thought the title was insulting and patronizing. It mattered not at all to me if the author was male or female or writing from their own personal experience — that title was the sole reason I was not going to click on the article to read it.
It’s not often I get fired up enough to share something negative on social media, but the more I thought about it, the more it grated on me. Mostly, that such a mindful publication would share out an article with a title like this before editing it first, in order to be more of benefit.
I shared a photo of the article on my personal Facebook page and said what a horrible title I thought it was. I also admitted that I had no idea if the article was any good or not because I refused to click on it — simply because the title was so ridiculous. And I told the publication to do better.
Because I know that even if the author of the article wrote the title, the editorial process at the publication includes at least two editors reviewing the title and image and determining if they are the best possible options for that article to get clicked on and read. (At least, this was the process when I was there…it could be different now.) And I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how three people thought that this particular title was the best possible title.
That’s it. That was the sum total of my criticism.
I never said I hated the article, because I admitted right up front in my post that I didn’t read it, specifically because of the bad title. In fact, I still haven’t read it. So I was not “shitting on the author” at all, as I was accused of doing by one of the publication’s editors…for all I know, it was a good piece of content. But I don’t know because I haven’t read it.
And I certainly wasn’t trashing this publication’s mission. In fact, I was holding them accountable to it. They are committed to sharing mindful content and they want to be of benefit…and I know from personal experience that they could have absolutely done better than that title. They have intelligent, conscientious, hard-working editors on their team, and I have no doubt that they could have improved it.
I also wasn’t ‘publicly flaming’ them. What I shared was on my personal Facebook page and it was shared only with friends…it was not shared publicly. However, many of my Facebook friends are, in fact, writers and editors of this publication. As such, many of my friends commented, either agreeing or challenging each other’s take on it, and the post took on a life of its own.
My favorite editor from the publication commented on my post almost immediately and thanked me for my kind and thoughtful feedback and invited me to write something about my experience and publish it with them. And I responded saying perhaps it would have been kinder if I left out my curse words, but she knows me and my heart and my mouth, so I wasn’t worried about it.
When the owner of the publication called me to task for not privately messaging them with my concerns, I realized that thought had never even occurred to me. I think because anyone familiar with the publication knows that their canned response to any criticism is to encourage the critic to write their own article as a rebuttal. But I hadn’t read the article, so how could I possibly write an entire article about an unfortunate title choice?
Things only got worse when the owner of the publication and one of his staff members started responding to the comments on my Facebook post. Instead of listening to what people were sharing honestly, they got defensive and started blaming algorithms and calling it a pile-on. When in actuality, it was a group of people voicing valid concerns. Concerns that went unheard.
A few hours later, he felt compelled to hold a video call and invited everyone to have a thoughtful, kind conversation about the thread and everyone’s concerns. I wasn’t able to attend because I have a 9–5 job that I needed to focus on. But I did message him after and offered to talk to him one on one.
Not surprisingly, he said he was too tired to talk to me after his two hours of calls, but that I was welcome to reach out to him.
For fuck’s sake.
He was not, however, too tired to talk to a few of my male friends, one of whom isn’t even a part of this publication’s community but saw what was happening on my thread and wanted to get involved. This same dear friend also called out the publication’s owner for being condescending to a female writer during the video call. My friend was surprised that he had to point out his behavior to him. Sadly, I am not.
I ended up taking the post down 24 hours after I first shared it. It had spiraled out of control all day, only getting worse as the day went on and I needed to be done with it and stop feeding the beast.
I have been questioning myself a lot this week. I have zero regrets about posting my opinion because I do care deeply about this community and was surprised that something like this title was ever approved. But there have been fleeting moments when I wish I hadn’t. Or that I wish I had taken it down sooner. Or left it up longer. Because there have been a lot of lies about what happened…whether intentional or just people being misinformed, I don’t know.
A few days ago, the owner of the publication wrote an article about my supposed ‘public flaming’ in order to keep the drama — I mean, mindful conversation — going. Yesterday in his daily email newsletter, he wrote that I posted an article from them on Facebook and said I hated it. I did neither of those things. I posted a screenshot of the title and image from the article and even said in my post that I didn’t share the link on purpose, because I had not read the article. And I never said I hated the article, because to this day, I still haven’t read it.
So after all his posturing and messaging friends of mine to get their take on what happened while not having the energy (or balls) to speak to me, he still missed the point entirely. Either that or he just decided to start exaggerating — wildly — about what he could only see through the filter of his less-than-mindful lenses.
I feel like I have an emotional hangover…this has been an overwhelmingly sad week for me. I have loved this publication and their mission and their writers and editors for years. When I first found them, their articles and the amazing writers who wrote them were of such great benefit to me. They were a home for me when I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere else.
To be accused of ‘publicly flaming’ them hurt a lot when all I wanted to do was hold them accountable and call on them to do better. And now it seems that I am the one who was publicly flamed.
Not to mention lied about.
And to what end? To stimulate a dwindling readership? Maybe. To appease the over-inflated ego of a blatant misogynist? Perhaps. I sure as hell don’t have all the answers. Or any answers, for that matter.
But it has broken my heart, without question.
I am so, so grateful for the outpouring of love and support I have felt all week. Everyone’s texts and private messages offering me encouragement and support have had me in tears. (Shocker, I know.)
As for all the supportive comments made on my original post, on all the posts the publication’s owner shared on social media, and within the comment section of his article, standing up for the truth of what really happened? Standing up for each other? That has done more for my love for this community than the publication itself ever did.
So, interestingly enough, I am grateful to him, too. For opening my eyes…wide open. For all the lessons learned this week and over the past several years. For helping me find my people. And for bringing us all even closer than I ever could have imagined.
For more insight on this very personal story, please read my friend Crystal Jackson’s article, “The Importance of Integrity When You Build Your Brand on Mindfulness” here.