“What do you do for fun?”
I hate this question. Because I have absolutely not had enough fun over the last few years.
Life has been heavy, and I carried a lot of the heaviness in my heart, letting it weigh me down. Perhaps more than I should have. Or perhaps I should have just learned to put it down every now and then, take breaks from the darkness, and remind myself more of the light that still remained in the world.
I let it envelop me too much — even now. I realized that over the past few days, when I took a moment out of my work day to walk my dog around the park near my home. Or just sit on my patio and stick my face in the sun while chatting and laughing with a sweet soul on the phone.
In those moments, I felt such peace and happiness and was so grateful to feel it even for a hot minute in between work and To Do’s and kids and the bigger stuff of life. But as blessed as I am in my life and to feel some semblance of peace in 2020, I want more.
I. Want. Fun.
Of course, in the middle of a pandemic, fun is now relative. I used to enjoy going to the movies or out to dinner with friends…things that are more limited now, or not possible at all. So coming up with fun things to do that are safe and that now I might have to do alone whether I want to or not, is more challenging than it used to be.
And I also find myself feeling jealous of friends who have hobbies that are passions for them.
I have a friend who loves to golf, and readily admits that he is obsessed. If he isn’t playing, he is watching it on TV or hanging out in his golf room. No joke — his golf room. For the love. I absolutely adore such passion in people. And when he’s not playing or watching golf, he’s cooking himself a gourmet meal for dinner. Just for himself. (Mad respect.)
I have another friend who reads constantly. She will pick up a new book as soon as she finishes the last one and will spend as many hours as she can, lost in the fiction world of her choosing. And another friend who gets lost in words in another way. She is one of the most prolific writers I know, crafting articles, books, and poems in the time it seems to take me to empty the dishwasher or make a cup of coffee. And she does this in between raising two small children, housetraining a new puppy, and taking adventures into the woods or onto the water whenever she can.
Another beautiful soul I know is an accomplished writer as well, and also manages to hike when he can, take stunning photos even when he’s just running errands, and indulge his love for Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu several times a week.
Yet another friend has made an art out of creating charcuterie boards for friends and family, and has just decided to take her fun hobby to the next level by turning it into another business (she already has one or two others).
When I find myself envying the passions of loved ones around me, I get curious.
Shauna Niequist says that “that envy can be a great teacher when we allow it to speak and we take the time to listen to what it is telling us deep down.” And I absolutely agree. Because what I envy in all these people isn’t the golfing they do, the photographs they take, or the cheese boards they craft — it’s the passion that they have for something that makes it so fun for them.
I am crushing hard on all of their souls for that reason…and also because they are epic humans who make me want to be like them when I grow up.
What I also love about all of them is that they are creating these pleasurable experiences for themselves no matter what stage of their life they’re in. Some of them are single, some of them are married, some are busy raising boatloads of kids, and some are retired. But they are all having F-U-N.
I’ve been divorced for about two years now, and in fits and starts I have started exploring what’s fun for me as an individual, instead of what I might have done for fun with my ex. But now it’s time to step up my game.
A man I dated a year ago — we’ll call him Wrecking Ball (he would laugh at that and agree 100%) — reminded me that now it’s my turn. It’s my chance to explore things that I used to do for fun before I got married, or resurrect those things I wish I had had a chance to do more of while I was married. And even more importantly, Wrecking Ball reminded me that this is the time for me to try new things and figure out what might be fun for the me I am now — and not necessarily the me I was during my 25-year marriage, or while I was raising littles.
My littles are now teenagers and while they absolutely need me more now in some ways, in other ways, they just don’t — and it’s my turn to fill some of that free time with some F-U-N. I also want to model for my kids that we can always try new things and that we may or may not love them, but trying something we’ve always wanted to try is a great way to get us out of our comfort zones and keep growing. And I want them to simply have more fun, too!
So, with many thanks to those stunning souls who have inspired me, here is my Hot Mess Manifesto for creating fun and pursuing pleasure in my life…every day:
Whatever makes me happy, smile, or laugh — I’mma do it.
Full stop.
Here’s a list of things that are all making me happy right now. Things that are fun for me and give me moments of joy. Things I’m going to keep doing as long as they make me happy…and not a moment longer.
1. Watching “Hamilton” and/or listening to the soundtrack every day, especially the best song from it, “Washington on Your Side”–which I just listened to three times in a row in the middle of writing this.
2. Listening to music that lifts me up. Listening to any song I want on repeat a ridiculous number of times. Like Miley Cyrus’ song “Malibu” because it came to me in a time when I needed some peace, and now offers me the calm I crave while looking forward to a shiny new future. Or “Julianna Calm Down” by The Chicks, which came into my world in the exact moment I needed to take my damn power back, and now reminds me not to lose it again. Anything by Coldplay or Maroon 5, natch. Any song currently on TikTok. And Top 40 pop songs. Including Justin Bieber. No matter how many times I get teased for it. I have zero fucks left to give on this one. Because they are light and happy and fun songs and I need more of all of that in my life.
3. Talking to a sweet soul I am crushing on while walking my dog and sitting on my patio, sticking my face in the sun. Moments like these have been making me happy lately. What’s not to love about laughing, learning more about a lovely person, and connecting with someone I enjoy?
4. Meeting up with a favorite human at 9:00 on a Friday night, just because I can. Isn’t that what freedom is all about? Knowing my kids were home and safe and I could just duck out for an hour or two. Because FUN.
5. Writing the things. And sometimes fun ones. I have a friend who messaged me a few weeks ago saying she was enjoying how much I was writing lately, but that she was sorry that pain was my muse. And that stuck with me. I started to wonder…what if pain wasn’t always my muse? What if pleasure was? What would that look like? (Spoiler alert: I’m about to find out.)
6. Playing on TikTok. Because y’all can suck it. It’s fun and not negative like a lot of other social media, and people are just singing and laughing and having fun. And it helps people like me get over myself and stop taking things so damn seriously all the time. For fuck’s sake.
7. Any other little frickin’ thing that makes me happy: long-ass showers, enjoying a glass of wine on a patio somewhere with my best friend, sex, hanging fairy lights all over my house because they make everything feel magical, having a million pillows and blankets all over my bed and living room, and organizing the crap out of every corner of my house.
8. Exploring new ideas. Hiking? Learning piano? Painting? Cooking with someone who makes it fun? Learning more about tarot? More sailing lessons?
Mostly, this Hot Mess Manifesto is about giving myself permission.
Permission to step away from work or mothering for a moment, to not look at the next load of laundry that needs to be folded, to not give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks. To just have fun.
And the best part is, since you’re not the boss of me, that’s exactly what I get to do.
Now…who has a pantry I can come organize?!