The aches.
They are overwhelming.
The aching in my heart that was there for 10 years. 15 years. 18 years.
The ache of knowing.
Of trying.
Of wanting to save.
Of knowing that there was nothing left to save.
The ache of loss.
Losing the safety and security I wanted to give my children.
Losing the bright, shining light in one of my favorite souls. And wanting so deeply for her to embrace that light in her heart again. For good.
Losing one of her favorite people in the most heartbreaking way.
Losing two of the most important people in my life on the same day a few months ago.
And missing them both with all my heart in every single moment of every single day.
The ache of not knowing how to move forward.
Of wanting to hermit and lick my wounds.
Of wanting to heal my heart and my patterns and my bullshit.
And at the same time, wanting to hop in my car in this very moment and drive to a new light in my life and ask to be invited in.
While knowing that I have already missed my opportunity.
Because I was focused on healing my heart and my patterns and my bullshit.
Stupid, jerkface patterns.
The ache of just wanting peace and comfort and growth and caring and love and understanding…and so much more.
The ache of wanting to experience a connection like I have finally had and that I now know exists.
And was recently offered again.
The ache of knowing I want that connection…and at the same time, knowing that I want to be a healed, loving soul who doesn’t bring her broken parts into a new soul’s life.
And still wanting to be in the presence of that soul’s energy, regardless.
The aches.
They are overwhelming.